On Thud and Blunder: Verisimilitude in our hobby

Poul Anderson was a widely known, celebrated and respected science fiction author.  He is less know for his work in what he called 'heroic fantasy'.  If two of those 'hf' novels (as Poul Anderson himself refers to the genre) were all he had ever done, he would still be a notable author.  I refer to 'The Broken Sword' and my personal favorite, 'Three Hearts and Three Lions'.  I have blogged about the latter here and here.  Poul Anderson also appears in Gary Gygax's famous Appendix N at the back of the DM Guide.

That is nice Barad, but what does this have to do with verisimilitude?  Read on, I am just setting the stage.

Somewhere around 1978 the esteemed Poul Anderson wrote an essay published in a swords and sorcery anthology edited by Andrew Offut: Swords Against Darkness III.  In that essay Poul Anderson goes on to chide and give advice to 'hf' writers about their lack of realism or verisimilitude, and how with improving these elements would provide more engaging stories, and be better for the industry.  That industry being heroic fantasy.

Since our hobby is so closely tied to heroic fantasy, our DMs good also use the advice to good use.  The Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America thinks this advice is well met and keeps a copy of the essay here.  If you have never read it, do so.  If you want I will wait for you to come back.

Yes, it is a bit long by Internet attention standards these days - but save it as a favorite and refer back to it frequently.

• Have long running wars in your world?  Think about who will grow or harvest the crops if you take the peasants away.  How reliable are those mercenaries and how will you pay them?  Swarms of evil humanoids attacking your towns, well their leaders know they have to win quickly in order to pay and feed the marauders else matters will disintegrate or implode.
• When you describe those cities, is it filthy and dangerous?  If not, why and how does that change how the city dwellers live or behave.  If their city is that clean and safe would it not be overrun with immigrants trying to get in?
• Travel is unreliable, and news is late in arriving.  Horses are expensive and destructible.  Roads are expensive to build, maintain and to police.  Where does that money come from?  Sailing was not necessarily better, safer or faster.
• As a DM or player do you know anything about the martial arts?  (I know some of our fellow hobbyists are quite well versed in them)  We do not need to be experts in this matter but a little better understanding would go a long way to a better game

It goes on and on.  You do not have to adopt everything, but adopting some additional verisimilitude gives good color and consistency.  Additionally, when our heroes do something truly heroic, it makes a more stark comparison to the world around them.

Cheers!

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

The bloggers version with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, on the 'net and in the house, Not a blogger was posting, motionless their mouse
The FRPG musings were posted on blogspot with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas would be reading there
The characters were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of treasure hoards danced in their heads
And mamma with her handbook, and I with my map, Had just nodded off for a short gamer's nap
When from the game room there arose such a clatter, I fell from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away down the stairs I tumbled with fright, Tore open the door and threw on the lights.
The rays from tree lights on the hexgrid below Gave an erie lustre of magic to objects that glow,
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear, But miniatures, a sleigh, and eight pewter reindeer
With a little old driver, so red and waist thick, I knew it was painted to look like St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles on hastes spells they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, Bigby! now, Evard! now, Rary and Tenser! On, Heward! on Tasha! on, Drawmij and Nystul!
To the top of the castle! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As wizards, who at fifth level take the spell fly, those figures they flew just missing my eye.
So up to the Mantel-top the miniature reindeer they flew, the tiny sleigh full of games, and St. Nicholas too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard as they stood, prancing and pawing of metal on wood.
As I drew up my hand, and was uttering a sound, off the mantel St. Nicholas enlarged with a bound. He was dressed in fake fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes looked tarnished with faux ashes and soot
A bundle of boxes fell on the floor with his growth, like at Gencon, a marketer just opening his booth.
His red eyes -- how they twinkled! it was really quite scary!
His lips were bright red, more like blood than a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a shortbow, his beard braided dwarf like was as white as the snow
In his teeth was a pipe the color of bones, the smoke it encircled his head like ioun stones
He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook, when he laughed like gelatinous cube jelly.
He was chubby and plump, who though him an elf? He is more like a first edition gnome, I thought to myself
A wink of his eye, and my reactions had trailed, I was immobile, my save it had failed
He spoke not a word, but went straight to my snacks, and stuffed his mouth full and mumbled, 'relax'.
And laying his finger aside of his nose, getting quite small, up the mantel he rose
He sprang to his sleigh, said 'teleport' to his team, and vanished all like they were a dream.
But I heard him exclaim, from the ether out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, back to posting 'morrow night."

Captain Blood

Once more I read an old adventure novel.  I have a mild interest in old adventure novels.  I am interested in the historical perspective they sometimes reveal, curious about the ground work they have set for future works, they generally are much shorter than the modern behemoths being published, and if I don't care for them I am not out anything but time because I generally get them on my Kindle.

I read this free Kindle version of the novel (spoilers in the 2nd link).

As far as I can tell the novel appears to be historically based.  I am no expert on the time period, about 1688, but they major events seem to track to real history.  The novel is not so much about the main events of the time period but more about the effect it had on people.  As in most adventure novels I have read from the late 19th and early 20th centuries, it does its fair share of thinly veiled social commentary.

Basically Captain Blood, is a hero of high moral standards who is thrown low, and comes back in a dashing style.  What more could you ask for in a pirate adventure?

The writing is not too bad.  However several times the writing style devolves into explaining things instead of telling the story.  That also seems to be quite common in early novels.  One thing I do find interesting is the general reviling of the Spanish throughout the book.  I am not sure if that is historically accurate, or just a bias of the author.

All in all, not a bad short read, with some interesting history.  It most certainly is fertile ground for ideas to be used in an episodic adventure style RPG.

Around the World in Eighty Days

On my most recent vacation I continue to indulge in reading old classics.  This is made quite easy via the free (expired copyright) books which are available on the Kindle.

Around the World in Eighty Days is unusual for a Jules Verne work, in that it is more in his now than predicting the future.  It does in some respects predict how the future will look with recent completions of travel venues the major travel venues: US transatlantic rail, India subcontinental rail, & Suez Canal.  Messier Verne does aptly see the coming new world of tourism on a whim.  

The hero of the story is Phileas Fogg.  He is a well to do proper English gentleman who lives an organized, highly structured, predicable daily life.  This repetitive existence includes his daily trip to the gentlemen's club.   To prove a point with his fellow club members Fogg undertakes a quest to circumnavigate the world in no more than 80 days using commercially available travel.  A rather wager is made to prove the seriousness of the adventure, and off he goes, taking with him his newly hired man's servant, Jean Passepartout.  To tell any more of the story is to spoil it, so I will leave it at that.

I find it interesting that Verne paints the two travelers as extreme caricatures of the English and French.  Both have exaggerated traits supposedly held by their countrymen, and both have redeeming qualities designed to make them endearing to the reader.  I might have expected the French Verne to favor the Frenchman in the story, but that is not the case.

As with most writing, this a book of its time.  The modern reader will find the exciting adventure bits a little weak.  There is even a section where Fogg goes off to save Passepartout and I suppose to raise tension, the exciting bits are done off screen.  Much of the book reads like a dry travelogue.  I imagine at the time since this kind of travel had been previously unimaginable the readers would have been fascinated with the little details which I found boring and tedious.  The surprise ending would not have been all that surprising to the modern traveler, but to the reader in the 1870s this would have been all new and amazing.

The adventurous portions are fun to read, and overall the book is a quaint reminder of a bygone era.  It was an easy read, not too long, and the language is readily understood by the modern reader.  It is a classic and if you are curious about classics, I give it a moderate recommendation.  I am glad I read it and did enjoy most of it.  If you want an edge of your seat thriller, then you should pass this by.

Revisiting Classics: Alice In Wonderland

I had been vacillating over whether it was worth my purchasing a Kindle.  I tried my wife's Kindle on vacation and found it pleasant enough to use on a plane.  Not sure I really wanted to spend the money on it (being inclined towards frugality in some areas), I was, however, attracted by the Kindle convenience and the huge library of free books.  My lovely and talented wife put an end to my vacillation by giving me one.  Thanks Hon!

So on our most recent overseas trip I put a bunch of free books on my Kindle.  One of them was Alice In Wonderland.  Like many folks I have seen many characterizations of the Alice story, and seen a fair number of movie versions, both animated and populated with actors.  I figured I was long overdue in actually reading the story.

The free versions of classics in the Kindle library sometimes have editing errors and may be missing other elements.  In the case of Alice, it did not have the artwork.  I know many people would claim the book is not the same without the original pen and ink drawings.  I will not contest that view point, but say for my purposes I think I have probably seen all the original artwork over the years splattered here and there.  I did not notice many editing problems in the free Alice.

It was a quick read, and with very few surprises.  The differences between the book and the many characterizations and movies is subtle.  For example I think Alice comes across as less impertinent that in most characterizations, and more like a normal young girl who is not afraid to speak her mind.  One of the more interesting points is the assertion in the forward declaring Alice is just a fun story with no intent to have high morals; it is meant as purely entertainment.  Further the claim is there are plenty of other methods of providing moral teaching in this age (when the book was written) so there is no need to impart any morality training in this story, it is simply meant to be a fun imaginative romp.

The whole whether morality is useful or needed in a children's story like Alice could spawn some lengthy blog posts and much debate.  I'll pass on that.

If there are not morals within Alice, and I am not sure there are not and the Duchess would agree with me,

"Tut, tut, child!" said the Duchess. "Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it."

the book is certainly full of sage advice and lessons to ponder.  For example this famous exchange with the Cheshire Cat:


"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don’t much care where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn’t matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you’re sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

 Or how about the almost Groucho Marx like follow on exchange with the Cheshire Cat:

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

 And what about the bit of philosophical dialog at the tea party:

"Then you should say what you mean," the March Hare went on.
"I do," Alice hastily replied; "at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know."
"Not the same thing a bit!" said the Hatter. "You might just as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see'!"
"You might just as well say," added the March Hare, "that 'I like what I get' is the same thing as 'I get what I like'!"

Even the befuddle King does have a modicum of  common sense:

The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.
"Begin at the beginning," the King said gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

The book is literally littered with poking fun at Victorian society and education, and instead favors common sense and imagination.  Just because the book does not take itself too serious does not mean there is not seriously good advice contained within.  Just ask the Libertarian minded Duchess who says:

If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does.

Lastly the book ends on a different tone than most characterizations as well.  Alice's sister wakes Alice from her dream, and after sending Alice to her tea muses on Alice's wonderful adventure.  There is no suggestion that this was more than a dream, and no hint that Alice's lively imagination is anything but good.

....she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make THEIR eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days. 

Later this summer I'll have to read Through The Looking-Glass and see if my observations hold in that story as well.

Chronicles of the Black Company

I just finished ready the Chronicles of the Black Company, which is the first three books of an extended series by Glenn Cook.  It is a dark and grim tale of a mercenary company in a fantasy setting.  There is magic and strange creatures, but no elves, dwarves or other fantasy tropes borrowed from Tolkien or northern European lore.

On one hand the book is a refreshing read.  The 'heroes' are often gray at best, and sometimes no better than the villains.  The plot and story ideas are interesting and not the over cliched story elements found in many fantasy story lines.  There is a unique view of the story from the view of the company historian, which is something this mercenary group puts a high priority on.  From this aspect it was a compelling read.

The not so good was the actual writing.  I found at times the clipped style did not leave me with whatever impression the author had intended.  Some sentence structure was poor, and on many occasions I was forced to reread passages to understand who was speaking due to poorly deployed pronouns.  There were many story threads which simple dead ended with no satisfying conclusion, while other threads which appeared unimportant later arose to be the main story threads.

I have to give this one a neutral rating.  It has some great story ideas to steal for adventuring.  It has some memorable story elements for enjoyment.  Depending on how forgiving you are for the actual craft of writing will significantly alter whether you like or hate this series.

The Legend of Shamus McGinty's Gold

In response to my post about our Western Game a fellow blogger (you can find one of his blogs here) recommended, and then generously mailed me the hard cover version of I. J. Parnham's The Legend of Shamus McGinty's Gold. (Thanks again Chris)

I used the opportunity of a business trip to have time to read it. It is a short read as well as an easy page turner. I have not read much of the western fiction genre. Most of my experience would be from non-fiction and from Hollywood movies. Therefore I cannot compare this to other fiction writers works. I can say it was a pleasant read; you don't have to work hard to follow the story line. It is not a story in the style of the great western movie, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.

It is a quaint little story with interesting characters, clever twists and turns, and an underlying moral which doesn't spoil a good tale. It is family friendly, so just about any age could read it. It has a few action sequences involving guns, but does not glorify or gorify them. The story does move along and was finished in no time.
I wouldn't call this a classic, but I don't hesitate to recommend it as pleasant summer reading. This would be a great Western RPG adventure if someone could turn it into one... it is the kind of adventure I wished I had written... but I digress.

I think the book will pass around the house this summer, so I might add comments from the other readers.

Cheers!

The Thin Man

When I travel for pleasure I usually carve out time to do some reading.  In my latest travel adventure, one of the books I took with me was The Thin Man by Dashiell Hammett.  If you have never heard of Dashiell Hammett, he wrote The Maltese Falcon, which was turned into what is now the more famous movie.

If you like detective noir, if you like a good story with interesting but not too deep characters, if you like a fast read and witty banter, you may like The Thin Man.

Nick Charles is a middle aged ex private detective with a rich and pretty young wife.  In a gritty manner, the book walks through a short period of their lives as they are drawn into the seedy troubles of an old work associate of Nick's.  The couple cheerfully drink their way from posh hotel rooms to speakeasies on the journey to solving the mystery of The Thin Man.

This book is not revelations about the depth of mankind's soul, is not an expose of hidden knowledge about New York City during prohibition, and it is not treatise on great moral problems of our day.  It is a fine read, and an interesting view of what real life detective Hammett thought about life in the 1930s.

I Read Some Raymond Feist

A number of people whose opinions I respect think he is a fine author and worthy of my reading time.  Looking for a little recreational reading, I endeavored to read some Raymond Feist.

Years ago I played the computer game Betrayal at Krondor.  I thought the game was mostly fun but was unsatisfied by the plot line.  At the time I chalked it up to the challenge of applying literature thinking to game design.  This summer I borrowed a copy of Krondor: The Betrayal.  I read roughly about a third of the way through the book and put it down.  Permanently.  I have probably only done that a half dozen times in my life.  At this point in my life I am less tolerant of books which do not reach an enjoyment threshold than I was in earlier times in my life.  This can easily be attributed to the various pressures on my time and the scarcity of reading time.

Why did I not enjoy Krondor: The Betrayal?  Quite simply, neither characters nor plot engaged me.  I found the prose did not create pictures in my head.

First week of December we did an island visit; it was a vacation escape from the cold.  Looking for reading material, I am advised Krondor: The Betrayal is not one of Feist's better books and am recommended to try the Conclave of the Shadows series.  Further advised that the first two books go together and the third is optional, I pack borrowed copies of Talon of the Silverhawk and King of Foxes.

They were better but still I find them wanting.  I never felt the characters progressed beyond two dimensional caricatures.  They never felt like real people to me, I was unable to relate to them.  The plot wandered like a pick your own adventure book.  Powerful background characters acted like omnipotent plot fixers, much like deus ex machina.  The plot fixers had knowledge the characters in the book and the readers never get to know.  They are just smarter than all of us.  I will try not to spoil the series but at one point the central character suffers a debilitating and supposedly permanent injury, which later is 'cured' by the omnipotent plot fixers.

I did read complete the two books while on vacation.  The good news is I did not put them down.  I do not think I will be reading any more Feist though.  As the old saying goes, his books are apparently not my cup of tea.

Three Hearts and Three Lions, again

Over the last two days I spent some horizontal hammock time in the shade of two very large hemlock trees while reading Three Hearts and Three Lions.  As noted below, I have read it before and it is still a favorite.  A fast easy read with no lack of depth, even while some of the characters described with brevity they still stand out.

It has been a while since I last read the book.  I had forgotten how many things are borrowed by original versions of D&D straight from this book.  If you want to add some color to your description of a troll battle, an encounter with a nixie, the struggles of a paladin, or a view of law versus chaos, this might be the book for you.  This was a fun walk down memory lane for me, like meeting an old friend and reliving good times.

If you play D&D and you have never read this book then you are missing out.  What are you waiting for?

Three Hearts and Three Lions

I am suddenly having a hankering to have another read of Poul Anderson's classic, Three Hearts and Three Lions.  Though Anderson was most well known for his science fiction, he demonstrated he was also an able fantasy writer as well.  Though the book was written five decades ago, it strikes me as fresh and poignant today as it was then.  Some topics on the human condition do not change.  Besides the interesting influence it had on the RPG hobby and other fantasy writers, it is just a darn fine read.  Around 250 pages, accessible and easy to read but with a hidden depth of character it is long a favorite of mine.  


What say ye in the RPG hobby?  Does this story of the Dane and the Swan May resonate for you?  How many of you old timers have read this before, and how has it influence you or your game?

Raise a pint for Frank Frazetta

If you have fantasy books in your library, then you likely own Frazetta artwork.  A talented artist that inspired many imagination has passed from among us.  Raise a pint in his honor, even if you are not a muscle bound barbarian on the outside.

Check out the tributes that will be appearing all over the fantasy blogosphere and you will see how truly influential he was.

Jack Kerouac, again.

I was in Toronto last week on business.  I went out to dinner with an associate from one of our vendors.  We went to Joey's (which I am told started in Calgary as Joey Tomatoes or something like that).  There my associate asked for a particular waiter that had served his table a few weeks earlier.  Turns out the waiter and my associate are both from Calgary.

We chatted with the waiter, who was about college age, for a few minutes.  I mentioned I was from New England.  The waiter mentioned his upcoming trip to Boston to visit a friend in school, and to enjoy the area steeped in history of famous people and especially Jack Kerouac.  So we chatted about Jack's home town of Lowell, and how after many years I just recently read 'On the Road', and told my story about Astro's (see previous blog post).

Curious how connections happen, is it not?

On The Road - Jack Kerouac

I am back from my vacation in Punta Cana and just finished Jack Kerouac's classic On The Road.  Sometimes when I am on vacation I choose to read a classic rather than some entertaining fiction; this was one of those times.  I have always wondered about Kerouac.  He is portrayed as an icon of the Beat generation and its primary spokesman.  I spent three semesters during my college years at what is know called University of Massachusetts at Lowell, Kerouac's birth place.  At the time I was attending classes there was a small sandwich shop, named Astro's, just across the street.  They proudly displayed pictures of Kerouac on the grungy walls cheerily smiling and drinking with folks who I assumed were associated with Astro's.  I could not guess how many degrees of separation that would be.

Most people know little or nothing about the Beat generation.  I would say I knew little prior to reading the book other than the stereotypes that litter literature, television and movies.  Anyone remember Bob Denver's silly portrayal of Maynard G. Krebbs from Dobbie Gillis?  So devoid of knowledge of Beat's, intrigued by the myth of the man in the sandwich shop, and having available time on commercial airlines and beach chairs I went forward to experience the Beat's via their most famous spokesman. 

On The Road has a unique writing style that might be described as stream of consciousness.  At times it can be distracting but it seems to fit the story and message Kerouac is attempting to lay before you.  The tone and tempo of the book is as chaotic and unpredictable as the Beat's themselves, and that is the point.  I get the feeling that Kerouac wanted this to be groundbreaking, and judging by the amount of Kerouac and Beat scholars that analyze this and other similar books some agree.  I will merely say it is the appropriate style for this book.  There is an attempt to paint many of the experiences as more amazing, a pinnacle over other experiences.  Kerouac fails at that.  Kerouac also fails to make you feel the incredible attraction to Dean Moriarty that many of the characters in the book find irresistible.

Much like the Lost Generation before him, this book paints a portrait in time of a lost generation.  While Hemingway, Fitzgerald and Steinbeck painted with words the post World War I lost souls, Kerouac does so for the post World War II lost souls.  Though I think the comparison is apt, I believe he would have bristled over it.  There is a sense of him attempting to distance and differentiate his generation's search for the meaning of IT from those that came before them.  Amid their feeling of confusion in the search for kicks and spirituality there is also a sense of hubris; the Beats approach is superior than those that came before because no one that was come before them has understood IT.

The Beats reject consumerism and prefer experience; they reject authority and embrace personal freedom.  If the book is an accurate portrayal then I suggest that the beats are superior to the Lost Generation in being self centered and petty.  The Beats search ever faster and more frantic for kicks via alcohol, drugs, sex and moving from place to place.  There is a search for spirituality, but that search is easily and quickly put aside for the pleasures of the flesh.  Get your kicks.

The beats are another lost generation, a pale imitation of The Lost Generation.  I much prefer the struggles and character of those in the novels by Hemingway, Fitzgerald and Steinbeck over those portrayed by Kerouac.  The story and the writing style are a place in time, not to be repeated.  Echoes of the fringe of a generation that came to believe their struggles and insight was unique, but instead I come to see them as just another lost generation.  It was an interesting read, I would recommend it for the experience if not for the literary style.

A side note: I read the Penguin Classic version of the book.  There is an interesting forward by Proffessor Ann Charters, a Beat scholar.  I recommend you skip the forward and read the book without it.  Instead read it as a post script.  This book was not written to be analyzed before it was read, it was written to be experienced.

Gates Of Fire

I finally finished Steven Pressfield's Gates Of Fire.  I say finally because I would read some and put it down for a while before taking it up again.  In the last few years I have not managed to read very many books which is in stark contrast to most of the years prior; I was always a voracious reader.  There are a number of reasons for this behavior on my part, none of which are part of this post.  So why did I put this critically acclaimed book down repeatedly?  I struggled with that question as well.

You may wish to read a nicely written, spot on review of the book here at TheSilverKey.

I agree that the book is well written, the material appears well researched, and the picture painted is one of grim reality of extraordinary men.  I should have been a target audience for this book.  I am interested in history, battles and adventure stories.  I do not easily find fault with this book, however it never grabbed me.  I suppose it is that simple.  I was not on the edge of my seat wondering how it would end; we all know how one of the most famous historical battles of all times ends.  Perhaps more importantly I could not identify with any of the characters.  Yes, they are human enough but somehow they were foreign to me.  Without a connection to one or more of the characters it was easy to put the book down, and once down it was not calling to me.

You may have a different experience, and judging by others reviews of this book I am likely in the minority.

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (blogger version)

the bloggers version with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, on the 'net and in the house, Not a blogger was posting, motionless their mouse
The FRPG musings were posted on blogspot with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas would be reading there
The characters were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of treasure hoards danced in their heads
And mamma with her handbook, and I with my map, Had just nodded off for a short gamer's nap
When from the game room there arose such a clatter, I fell from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away down the stairs I tumbled with fright, Tore open the door and threw on the lights.
The rays from tree lights on the hexgrid below Gave an erie lustre of magic to objects that glow,
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear, But miniatures, a sleigh, and eight pewter reindeer
With a little old driver, so red and waist thick, I knew it was painted to look like St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles on hastes spells they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, Mialee! now, Redgar! now, Tordek and Jozan! On, Lidda! on Krusk! on, Gimble and Nebin!
To the top of the castle! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As wizards, who at fifth level take the spell fly, those figures they flew just missing my eye.
So up to the Mantel-top the miniature reindeer they flew, the tiny sleigh full of games, and St. Nicholas too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard as they stood, prancing and pawing of metal on wood.
As I drew up my hand, and was uttering a sound, off the mantel St. Nicholas enlarged with a bound. He was dressed in fake fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes looked tarnished with faux ashes and soot
A bundle of boxes fell on the floor with his growth, like at Gencon, a marketer just opening his booth.
His red eyes -- how they twinkled! it was really quite scary!
His lips were bright red, more like blood than a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a shortbow, his beard braided dwarf like was as white as the snow
In his teeth was a pipe the color of bones, the smoke it encircled his head like ioun stones
He had a broad face and a little round belly, that shook, when he laughed like gelatinous cube jelly.
He was chubby and plump, who though him an elf? He is more like a 1E gnome, I thought to myself
A wink of his eye, and my reactions had trailed, I was immobile, my save it had failed
He spoke not a word, but went straight to my snacks, and stuffed his mouth full and mumbled, 'relax'.
And laying his finger aside of his nose, getting quite small, up the mantel he rose
He sprang to his sleigh, said 'teleport' to his team, and vanished all like they were a dream.
But I heard him exclaim, from the ether out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, back to posting 'morrow night."

Haiku wisdom for adventuring parties on a bad day

My gaming group had an off night some months ago. Some time had passed since our last outing and, well, the group was just not playing as if they were the experienced team that they are. During the session I could only chuckle as one after another unfortunate event occurred. They did not need me to point it out to them, they knew. However I could not resist sharing with them some poetry between sessions in the wrap up. Note: this is not typical, and I had never done this before. They did not think it was as funny as I did. Go figure. Enjoy.

move silent roll fails
so much metal armor worn
next time send the rogue


patiently waiting
many hide ranks has the foe
you are now surprised

desperate player
only one chance to survive
the dice never lie

trolls are dangerous
fortunate they have weakness
I thought you had torch

items on your list
they would have been quite useful
you forgot to buy

If its broke, fix it

One of my favorite euphemisms is 'percussive maintenance'. Go forth and use it today. Break something if you must. I guarrantee it will give you a good feeling.